Brave and strong

Ever since people hear of my situation, I have been receiving compliments that I am a brave and strong girl. I actually felt flattered but didn't really think much of these two words until there is a room mate during this hospital stay told me that I was a strong girl.

I was kind of curious, so I asked her what made her say this since she is also a patient herself. Somehow it feels different from when my friends say the same thing.

She said because I was quite ok with the chemo. No whining, no crying, don't look scare and still can smile.

A little story about her: 58 year old lady, Gladys. Fought colon cancer in 2006. Relapsed recently. Initially rejected treatment but was encouraged by her doctors. Her cancer already spread to other parts of her body. A soft-spoken lady.

I never thought I could be associated with being brave and strong. 

I have been so timid since young.

When I was in primary school, I was scare of the teachers. I am so timid that I make sure I do my homework everyday and even cried every sunday because of pre-monday blues. I want to be at home I want to be sheltered like a little baby.

When I was in secondary school, every PE lesson I would feel giddy until the teach thought that I was a "chao geng" Ah Lian. And everytime I wanted to be strong, I just couldn't do it. I would still complain of being too weak to run.

When I went for my first three months during JC, I was the only one in my secondary school who went into that school. I was so scare. I cried. I wanted to be with my friends. I was so afraid of being alone.

When I got pregnant, I was so scare of being a mother and giving birth. I admired my friends who didn't use epidural when they gave birth. I told everyone I could never be so strong. And when my baby arrived, I didn't dare to carry her because she was so small so tiny and so fragile, I was afraid I couldn't be a good mummy.

So how can I be strong? How can I be brave?

Deep down inside I am a timid little girl (even my husband thinks so too)

I think I am just going through what most people thought was unthinkable. But hey, cancer is not unthinkable! It can happen to anyone and it is very very common.

Bravery is if I choose to have cancer so that I can show how strong I am by fighting it. On the other hand, Cancer chose me so I have no other choice but to fight it. That is called "认命". I am so timid, I leave everything to fate.

At least I think I am being very optimistic. I shop for comfort, I whine for attention.

And yes! I did not use epidural for giving birth! lolx.