Black toe

Every chemo has it's own side effects and somehow it is different from each previous sessions.

The last time I had fever in the hospital so I had to stay another 3 days. This time, I had trouble urining.

The reason why I had to be hospitalised is because I need to be on drip to flush out the medicine. Somehow, this time I urine too little hence the medicine was retained in my body. Doctor had to inject me with some drugs to make me pee more often.

Crossing my fingers. Hope I don't get to stay until new year!

I also have another problem - My big toe is getting black!

It is one of the side effects. Doctor says it is rare that the nails will drop out. Normally, the black portion will just grow out.

Resort stay -- Chemo Session 3 Part 2

Today is the start of the "resort stay" at SGH again. It also means I will miss Vera's birthday which falls on the 29 Dec :(

Well, just felt abit tired of the whole thing of admitting and discharging in the hospital. The whole cycle is tedious and time-consuming because admission office works at a turtle speed.

Also the thought of staying in the hospital just makes me feel sick again. The smell of the medicine is suffocating.

Miss the times I be with Vera too. Like to sleep with her. Like to make her laugh by tickling her and let her lie with me and watch youtube video on my iphone.

I miss the times with hubby too. It's like all his time and energy is for work, little time for Vera and no time for me. I know work is important. I think family is more so.

There is no other choice right? I am already half way there. The procedure will just get shorter and shorter. I reckon the side effects will get stronger and stronger because the body is getting weakened?

Sometimes it is very hard to be optimistic. So I can only rely on photos to remind myself who am I fighting for and whether it is worth it.

Quite a few people I met told me I look good for a patient. Mind over body! When I am out of hospital I am with my loved ones, I am happy and I feel good. All nauseousness is gone, I don't even want to sleep just to spend time with my family and friends. Nobody except Vera can match up to my energy level. lolx.

I don't know what this post is leading too.

Just random thoughts.

Chemo Session 3 Part 1

Yesterday went to do my Chemo Session 3 as outpatient in SGH.

Reached at 830am, hoping to finish at 1pm or so. In the end, I left the hospital at 430pm!

Fantastic.

Reached there first thing is the blood test. They need to test if the blood is alright to go for chemo.

Saw the doctor at 930 am. Asked the doctor about my black toe and she said it is a normal side effect. It will grow out soon and it is rare that the nails will drop out. (I hope I am not rare though!)

Doctor checked the numbness of my legs, apparently, it has not 100% fully recover yet. Doctor said most recovery will be within the first few days after the operation. Anything after that will let time tell. It could be permanent it could be just temporary.

I think the doctor is trying to hide the bad news from me. Already close to two months since my operation, and my sensation is still not 100%. It could be permanent damage for me.

But I am glad my mobility is still there. I can walk and shop and go out. Although not at the best agility I have, at least I can move around.

I am blessed already. If I am immobile, I rather die. Seriously.

So after the checkup with doctor, they asked me to come back at 1230pm for the chemo. So I went for lunch at 11am. Brought my beehoon that my Mum dabao for me and ordered a milo dinosaur and EAT! hahaha...

Anyway, most part of the chemo, I slept. Nothing to write about. But I am amazed by how sensitive I am to Benodryl. The moment the medicine goes it, I fall asleep. I cannot even wake up to listen to what the nurse wants to tell me!

This time, side effects is bad. I feel nauseous. I hate this feeling.

And I am going to MBS for a 3days 2 nights stay. I hope this feeling goes away. BOO!

P/S: Yes, I have been going to chemo alone! I feel so independent hahaha!

I miss....

I miss being able to doll up and there are several factors which makes it impossible now

• I miss my hair - Because I don't have hair, I have to wear a hat it makes me not pretty at all.  A wig just makes me looks fake. Now I see my past photos with my natural hair, I can't help but feel that I am so pretty last time hahahaha!
• I miss wearing dresses - I need to wear my back brace (a.k.a the turtle shell) hence there is limitation to what I can wear. Now I only wear hooded jacket or T-shirt to hide the shell. Even T-shirts I also seldom wear it because the turtle shell is very obvious under t-shirts. And when I wear my hooded jacket, I can only wear shorts or pants. BORING!
• I miss putting make-up - No make-up means no eyebrows, no cheeks, no eyes. Need I say anything?

I am superficial, whatever.

New wig

I bought a new wig from this online shop www.lightinthebox.com

I must be crazy to buy so many wigs. But this wig is on offer! Usual price is USD100. Now selling at USD 29.99.

Chose the free shipping with USD 1.99 insurance.

Amounting to SGD 42.79.

So happy!

MERRY X'MAS!

I cannot download the picture of the wig. But it is here.

Yah you may say I am crazy to buy the same hairstyle. I just take it as I went for another haircut! hahaha.

But seriously it is quite uncomfy to wear a wig. So tight and so hot.

Her smile

Brought my little girl to Changi Airport to play with this indoor playground called "Singkids Explorer".

Not going into details about the playground because I will put that into her blog.

The moment she stepped into the playground playing that whole little space full of balloons, her eyes lit up and she ran around like she is in the happiest place ever. She loves balloons and she loves to play.

Paying that $18 for one hour sounds ridiculous.

Her smile exchanged -- Priceless.

I would sacrifice anything just to see her smile, to make her happy. And nobody can stop me.

P/S: After reading the blogpost from a mother that has lost her child, it makes me wana spoil her more. You know how fortunate you are that you are not battling with cancer? And that you still can hold your child and buy him or her the most expensive toy?

Surprise X'mas Present!

Today I got my first X'mas surprise in my letter box!

When was the last time you have presents coming to you at yr letter box?

For me.....not that I can remember lolx. 

This sweet friend of mine, Jia Rong (a.k.a. Eve now), haven't met her for like a decade already? (Damn it I am damn old la) Since secondary school after we graduated we lost contact. Recently, we added each other on facebook (FB) but did not really try to meet up or whatsoever.

Then this bulk of sickness brought this whole big bunch of secondary school friends, (10 of them, half haven't seen since we graduated) to come visit me when I was in SGH and we reminisce about our carefree and fun days.

Oh ya, back to JiaRong, I like to call her JiaRong because that is what we always call her last time mah. 

So one fine day we were chatting on FB and I was asking about her online shop. Her shop mainly sells accessories and leggings. Very nice and clean website. Stuff that she sell is very unique and trendy.

So that day I browsed her website and I was telling her I like this flower bouquet ring of hers. 

Just a comment, seriously. 

And there you go! She sent me the flower bouquet ring! Happy to the MAX! 

It is so pretty I tell you! 

She also gave me a bulb necklace. She told me "The bulb is to let me know that at my darkest period, just press the switch and you will have light!" 

Awwww.... I am so blessed :)

Light up my world. Give me flowers.

P/S: Just realised there is really a switch at the bulb! On it and it will have different lights. So cute!

Quotes

Would like to consolidate some quotes I think is meaningful too. We need all these quotes to spur us going. These people just put our thinkings into words. They are really geniuses.

Currently in the midst of reading this book "Everything Changes". Quite an interesting book saying about how people in 20s-30s deal with cancer. The author interviewed 25 of them and asked them about relationship problems, money issues etc. Some of them really said what I am thinking just that I am of course not as good to put them in words. One thing that I find it irrelevant is that the book is in American context. Some of the things like their welfare or insurance is not applicable to us.

Ok so I found some quotes in the book quite nice and I will share more as I go through the  book more in depth.

"People at work say how strong I was and they couldn't handle cancer if it was them. I probably thought I couldn't handle it either, but when you are faced with it, what choice do you have?" - Jill Woods, 38

How apt this is. I have alot of friends telling me how strong and cheerful I am. Actually I am really seriously not. As what Jill has said, when you are faced with it, what choice do you have? 


Every human beings have the innate fighting spirit to fight to survive. 


We fight to eat, to work, to take the MRT, to Q for Mango Sales. We fight with that girl out there and gain attention for our boyfriends. We fight to protect our child. We fight like fighters.


Cancer patients or rather all patients fight to be alive. We take medicine, go through chemo or whatever necessary to be alive. 


However, I think this is the most basic form of fight, because it is fighting to survive. 

"The only change cancer has made in my life is now I splurge for a coke with my meal instead of just drinking water" - Brian Lobel 23

I like the quote above.

Just do what you want! But not in excess. I don't agree with coke hahaha. But I agree with the attitude, in a healthier way.

Little actions, little comfort

This little rascal is really a talking machine now! With all the words she is learning to speak and trying to make into sentences. It really amazes me how much she has grown.

The little things she do makes all the suffering worth it.

She will ask Daddy to wake up and say “要去看妈妈”

When I asked if she wants to go for a walk with me she will say “妈妈去。爸爸没有去” Means she just wants to go with me。

When we are walking, she will hold my hand and walk slowly with me and says "妈妈生病。痛痛” Sometimes she will forget and run while holding my hand. But when I said that I cannot run. She will immediately remember that I am still not very abled and just walk beside me.

I hope the love she has for me just remains like that. I hate to see her grow up too fast.

My Love. My Joy. My Hope.

CT Scan - Check for infections

Went for a CT scan yesterday. What an experience!

Since I was having fever that didn't subside the day before, I was being sent to do CT scans. Doctors say 90% of time fever doesn't warrant any infections but they wouldn't risk that 10% of chance.

So I have to go for a CT scan to scan for any possible infections in chest, lungs, and pelvis areas. Basically the whole body.

I really have to say about the experience of this scan. I have done CT scans before but not so complicated as this one. Maybe because it is to check for infections while the previous CT scan is to scan if there is cancerous cells in other parts of the body.

I was pushed to the radiology department. Was asked to lie down on a "bed" that has a width smaller than my body's width.

Then they took out a bottle of liquid and say "We have to pump this liquid into you -- behind. No worries. It is not enema. Will not cause you to poop. Just bear with it ok? Don't let the water come out."

Ok. Simple instructions.

So I turn to the side and they pump that liquid in. And I had to squeeze tight tight to prevent the liquid from "leaking" out of me.

Then I was asked to lie properly on my back, they are beginning to put me through this BIG GIGANTIC round machine that will do the scan for me. Can see the magnet rotating creating the magnetic fields. (That's how I think it works. That's what we learnt in school right? Hohoho)

So the bed moves front and back and there is instruction in a machine-like monotonously says "Breathe in and hold." 5 seconds later it will say "Breathe."


After the first push, I felt my stomach churning. The liquid invaded up into my intestines and I felt really the need to poo poo. That auntie cheated me :( It must be enema.

Ok since the scan was only half way done, I continue to hold my poo, because I was afraid the water will come out together!

Then comes the scary part, some anonymous lady (because I cannot see her face) came in and she said "We need to inject you with this contrast liquid ok? It is normal to feel warm. Don't worry."

Then she started to inject the contrast liquid into a plug in my hand.

This contrast liquid went into my body, 2 seconds later, my neck felt warm sensation. The feeling was..........really..........SCARY to the MAX!

It was like some monster invading the body into the throat waiting to climb out of the throat. I felt.... nauseous. GRR...

Anyway the scan was over in like 10 minutes. First thing I asked when I got off the bed was "Did the liquid come out of my pants?"

Wahahaha. I think am the most considerate patient on earth. I did not want to wet the bed mah.

See see! Please people be CONSIDERATE. Lift up the toilet bowl when you peee for guys and girls please do not pee all over the toilet bowl and not allowing the next person to use. (Don't know why when I think of being considerate, I will think of this hahaha.)

Then I rushed back to the ward and completed my big business.

I swear. That must be enema.

Fever!

You know how serious people keep telling you that during chemo there should be no fever. 38 degrees warrant you to be at the A&E immediately.

That is how life threatening it is to someone going through chemo. The immune system is down and thus more susceptible to diseases and infections. During chemo, the drugs kill all the fast growing cells, includes red blood cells, white blood cells and platelets.

Please google the definitions. Lazy to find out hahaha.

To me, I only know my immune is down, so I have to avoid raw food, avoid crowded places, eat well cooked food and peeled fruits. The period where it is most serious is 7 to 14 days after chemotherapy.

Well, for the first chemo, all things went well. This time, I was actually running a fever. It started from 37.7 degrees, then to 38 degrees. Highest was 38.3 degrees.

Although at this point of time there is no more fever, I am required to stay for another 3 more days or so! (I'm supposed to be discharged today, hear me? TODAY!)

Doc says have to monitor me because my fever is not subsiding (I thought I am? I no fever leh) Anyway, no bargains said the doc hahaha! Awaiting to go for a CT scan for the whole body. I suppose they want to see whether there is infection in my lungs or at my operation site. Just to be safe.

Sigh. 3 more days of staying means 3 more days of hospital food. I hate the food here. Seriously SMELLY to the max.

Felt so emo suddenly and I suddenly keep crying lolx.

Was thinking how come I am lying here smelling all the drugs? I don't like the smell of the alcohol. I don't like the smell of the food. I don't like to be here and feel sick.

I like to be at home. I can walk around, talk to people and beg my parents to bring me out.

I feel... kinda lonely here.

I cried because I hate my life now. I should be having my second kid. Being a happy pregnant woman. Maybe planning to go overseas with hubby and Vera. Every weekend, we should be out shopping in some shopping centres or bring Vera to some parks to enjoy herself.

It is definitely not happening now.

I miss my life. (not too much of a life though)

You know what? The only motivating thing that keeps me going is the daily cash incentive I am getting from my insurance for staying here. BOOO!

*No need to console me. Death is not an option to me now.*

Mouth sore

As I lay here, I felt so depressed.

My mouth is so sore I cannot swallow anything down. Doc says it's inflammation and have me disgusting liquid to gargle and swallow. Seriously, between pain and smelly medicine I rather bear with the pain.

So I lay here haven't had any lunch because hubby says he will bring porridge to me. 430 pm he is still not here.

Maybe I die here it will be such a relief.

No food, no people, mouth sore. Life sucks.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Aren't we fortunate?

While doing inpatient this time, met this woman from Vietnam. She is at the bed beside me. Mid 30s. Her legs have no strength like mine. But I am worried for her because her legs has been numbed for 3 months plus. I wonder if she will recover :(

She specifically come to Singapore to do treatment. She said she sold one house and one land just to pay for the treatment and hotel fees. When she is doing inpatient, her mother and her brother who came to Singapore with her will sleep on the chairs in hospital. So that they save costs on the hotel. I saw her mother lying on two chairs beside her bed. Felt so touched.

She makes me feel so fortunate as a Singaporean. Places like Vietnam do not have the sufficient medical equipment and facilities. They have to come all the way here to do treatment. She is considered lucky she can afford to come here. There must be a lot of poor people in her country and other parts of our neighbouring countries who cannot afford to come here.

One of the nurses told me that in her country, Philippines, patients have to pay first before they get the treatment done.

In Singapore, we are not rejected. We get the rights to be treated first. We can get social workers for financially difficulties patients. We have insurance to pay for us. We are forced to have medisave etc.

People like them are so strong-willed. Able to survive at the harshest conditions. Sleep on the chair, leave home for treatments are all harsh conditions I cannot imagine myself being in.

I am so spoilt. I ask for outside food. Able to be home with my family members.

What else can I ask for?

We are really fortunate. Really.

Chemotherapy Session 2 Part 2

Today is the start of my "resort stay", 4 days 3 nights at SGH to do my next part of the chemo session. Doing the medicine MTX, need to be on drip to flush out the toxic.

It's so frustrating. SGH knows in advance I am going to admit but there are not available beds. Waited to be admitted in O'Briens and act "atas" drinking my anti-oxidant green tea with jasmine while they clear the beds and will call me when there is any available.

Drink Green tea everyone! Green tea can fight cancer, lower bad cholestrol, prevent potential strokes, prevent diabetes, speed up metabolism, burn fats etc. *slurp*

Good tea - Green Tea

And while the hubby is rushing his work, here I am blogging about these insignificant events in my life. What a nua life I have now.

Hospital is really full of waiting. As if the time of a patient is just to wait. True enough, we are damn free. My life is eat, sleep, wait for chemo and write this blog.

But can't they have more proper logistic planning?

Imagine -- A cancer patient sitting here waiting for the rooms to be available when the patient is not supposed to be in crowded places? (though I just came back from a packed temple. Praying is important ok?)

Went to register at 1pm and got check in at 340pm. Before that we went for some yummy wonton mee. Whoever that visit SGH has gotta eat this yummy-licous wonton mee at Kaffe&Toast at Blk 4. Ok you may not like it. But I love it! Omnomnomnom~

Wonton mee. Nice!

This time I did not stay in A1 ward. Because I feel lonely in a big room after staying for 2 weeks there the previous stay. This time I chose the 4 bedded (B1 ward).

*note: staying at ward 48 room 9 bed 1. (4891), 4D time! haha

My hubby thinks I am so spoilt that we haven't stepped into the ward and he said "I think you are going to upgrade back to A1!"


Am I that spoilt?

But I really got a culture shock when I stepped into the B1 ward. I was so used to the big room to myself, I don't have enough space to put my things!

That little cabinet at my side is filled with my bag, laptop bag and water there is not enough space already.

There is only one electric socket that I cannot even plug both my laptop batt and my hp charger.

There is no fridge also to put cold drinks for myself my vistors.

The TV is a 13 inch small black box hanging above me compared to A1 ward which is a LCD 24 inch TV. (OK I don't know about the size. I just estimate.)

The mini black box. I need a telescope please.

Call me spoilt. Whatever. 

I am staying with two other patients. They are opposite of me. The bed beside me is empty. Good. Means I do not need to tolerate someone snoring beside me. And I can steal their table or chair and use hahahaha!

Anyway, the two other patients in front of me. The one directly in front of me is A and the one beside A let's call her B. A and B both aged around 60 plus. Old and frail. A is a chinese, B is an Indian. Both of them include me have this Fall Precaution notice. Means three of us are at risk of fall or has mobility problem. I was thinking if three of us walk together how will the scene be like. Muahahha...!

Then the doctor came in and tell me that the pharmacy did not prepare my medicine and they got the file mixed up or lost so they have asked them to prepare it NOW! At 6pm. I am really surprised at their efficiency.

Since chemo is at 11pm. Me and hubby decides to go meet Leon for dinner at the Chinatown market. Haha.. I wore my home clothes with my RFID tag that was supposed to track me in the hospital -- out of the hospital! I am a refugee! Wahaha..

I just want to eat eat eat before the chemo effects start.

Nauseousness please leave me alone!

*Because I am on drip, I will have alot of fluids going through my body and it means I will need to pee every 2-3 hours. Means very hard to sleep :(

Chemotherapy session 2 Part 1

Today is officially my first time doing chemo as an outpatient at National Cancer Centre,SGH.

Packed a book, downloaded some movies on my iPhone, brought two packets of biscuits and my water bottle. Trotted down to SGH, NCC feeling like I am going for some battle.

This is a place where you take a Q no and there is more waiting than anything else done.

Took a Q no and I joined a hall full of erm.... no offence---old people. I was expecting a few bald people. But a HALL with probably 15 by 10 rows of chairs filled with old people?

Unexpected.

Am I at the old folks' home or what? Feel so out of place.

So I took the Q no wait to be registered then wait wait wait for them to call me to go in and do chemo. (No joke. I waited 1 hour or so just for them to call me in)

I was so hungry while waiting, I think if cancer don't kill me, I will still die of hunger on the spot. Luckily, my mum went to buy a packet of rice for me. Never thought that rice could taste so good! Gobbled it down like I haven't eaten for 3 days. *Burp*

Ok. Back to the chemo. Finally my turn.

Shuffled my legs with a big belly into this room called "Jasmine Suite". Sound so nice right? There are two rows of 8 recliner chairs. The recliner chairs are real comfy. But the stool beside the recliner chairs (meant for visitors) looks butt hurting. I think my hubby wouldn't want to sit on that and wait for me lolx!

So I sat myself at my recliner chair called J4 comfortably. Every chair has a number labelled to them convenient for the nurses to identify. Lifted my legs up, they throw me a blanket and I put my back 30 degrees down. Too cold, requested another blanket.

Then, the nurses will keep asking you "So what is your name and IC?" for about 20 times throughout the day and they will compare my answer with whatever they are holding in their hands especially medicine. At least I know the medicine is MINE!

Then before they give me the chemo, I was asked to swallow two tablets of painkiller. Then they pump in a syringe of liquid called Benodryl, it is a drug used to prevent the side effects of the chemo.

I tell you, this drug is super powerful. As the nurse pump in she said "This drug is to prevent the side effects. You will feel drowsiness."

"Orh"


"Do you feel drowsy already?" --This is only like 10 seconds later. She is still pushing the syringe.

"Yea. How u know?"


"I can see it in your eyes."


"So I have to feel the effect NOW is it?"


"Yah. The drowsiness comes immediate."

Then I said "Ok. I am going to sleep now."

I seriously cannot open my eyes. So powerful is the medicine.

So basically, I slept throughout the whole chemo session.

ZZzzzzzZZZzzz.......

ZZZzzzzZz.......

ZZzzzZZzzzz...... I slept for 2 hours? Chemo starts at 1-ish and I woke up seeing the time is 3.30p.m.

Midway while I was sleeping, I attempted to open my eyes and guess what---- I saw this old couple sitting just opposite of me both staring at me!

The husband was in the recliner, I suppose he is receiving chemo like me (what else?) and the wife was seated on the uncomfortable stool. The wife still bend her body to look at me like I am some alien sitting there poisoning myself.

So what? Am I too pretty or too young to be in this room is it? I told you! This place is full of old people. I am the odd one out. Being pretty just makes me more... odd.

Then, the drowsiness knock me out again.

Until 3.30pm, I finally can be awake. I woke up and quickly asked to go and release my water in my bladder. Pushed the bag of poison with me to pee.

Then I was looking at the people beside me (finally), on my left is a Malay lady around 40 years old accompanied by another Malay lady and her son.

On my right, is a woman around 40 years old too (ok I cannot really tell the age. I just assume they are 40 years old. They look like to me) She has a head of red spikey hair dressed in a flowery silky kimono style top.

Let's call her Alice. She looks like Alice to me. Alice is a very cheerful woman. She was joking with the nurses. And she even asked if after her chemo on 23 Dec she can go party. Her optimism and smiles touched me deeply. I actually teared embarrassedly at my own seat. I feel that she still can laugh at her own problem makes her really beautiful. Maybe I am jealous of her red hair hahaha. Alice looks like a fighter and I know she is very strong.

So that's the end of my chemo Session Two Part One. 5 drugs are done on me today. RCHOP. Just have to await the side effects to come in the next few days.

Next Monday I will be admitting to a luxurious 3 days stay in SGH. To do one more drug MTX and to let the toxic flush out for 3 days.

I should just leave my house without the heavy book and movie. I will be sleeping anyway.



When you treat a disease, first treat the mind.  ~Chen Jen

First time wearing my wig!

Wow what an exciting day!

I am all dressed up to meet my dear cousin for shopping :)

My new wig is here and I wore it out. Bought it from Gmarket for $40 and surprisingly the texture is quite nice and the hair colour actually resembles my real hair colour. 

I am going to buy long wavy hair. Envy or not? I can have short hair today and no need to wait for 6 months and I can have long hair tomorrow :)

And I also put on my make up. Drew my eyebrows, put on eyeliner, and have rosy cheeks. Wore a dress with my turtle shell and my pink polka dot shawl. Sibei chio! 

We went SGH for my review first and Cousin said I am the most hip cancer patient around. 

I totally agree. 

When I walked into the doctor's room, he exclaimed "Wah! U look so different!"

"I know. I am very chio right?"

"You look...... different when you were in that hospital robe!"

I said "Of course lah! Anybody would look cui in that hospital robe!"

Even my doctor thinks I am chio ok?

Ok. Come to the serious topic. I am going for Chemo Session 2 Part 1 tomorrow! Initially I thought it is supposed to be done on Monday because I have an appointment on Monday. 

But the doctor count count count the number of days and said "No no no. It is 21 days today. Tomorrow you have to come back and do your chemo."

"So we cannot wait until Monday meh? Have to be so accurate?"

"Yah.. Cannot wait."

Blah. How disorganise can this be? You know how much logistic I have to do? 

Ok la. Not much. Not as if I am very busy. My life now is to wait to get poisoned. 

So tomorrow, I just have to be a good girl, arrive at 10.30am.

And on Monday I have to be admitted and do Chemo Session 2 Part 2. To get that MTX medicine into me. This medicine is toxic to the kidney and liver so I have to be hospitalised for 3 days and be on drip to flush the toxic out. (I told you. Chemo is poison.)

After 2 hours in SGH, we finally zooomed off to Orchard for shopping. I miss shopping with Cousin. I miss gossiping with her. I miss Orchard. I miss Ion. I miss Wisma. I miss town. The list goes on.

Our failed attempt to self take. How did the hell you girls do it?

I look fat.

Some see a hopeless end, while others see an endless hope.  ~Author Unknown