4th Nov 2011 (Fri): 7th day in hospital

Spoke to Dr Khoo in the morning about when to terminate this pregnancy(14th week) He suggested to do it early dec which is around 18 weeks old after first or second chemo because have to let my body get used to the chemo effects. He told me that chemo will affect the baby definitely and it is important I go through the Chemo asap because lymphoma at the spine can spread very fast as what it has occurred when it hit my nerves. And it is equally important to preserve my entire life because of Vera whom I need to take care. About fertility problem in future, he says it is too late to preserve my eggs already because it has to be done before chemo and he also asked me to concentrate on my treatment instead of my future fertility problem.

I asked Dr Khoo about this issue is because the hubby thinks that we should have some backup plan in case we really want a kid in future. I feel very guilty. First, I am plagued with a cancer, secondly, I have to kill his baby to preserve me and thirdly, I might not be able to give him another kid. I know deep down his heart he wants a second kid and I know he feels incomplete and insecure with only one kid. He is worried that Vera will not have enough family support and very lonely throughout the childhood. I am sorry my dear. I don't know how to compensate you but to be happier so you won't be worried about me. I used to lament that I married to an old man, I need to take care of you. Ironically, you are the one that is taking care of me now...

I just asked the oncologist a bulk of questions and she says I am considered stage 4 cancer because the lymphoma is in the bone and bone marrow. Blood in bone marrow travels round my body and because of that there is high chance of spreading to other parts of the spine and also to other areas so I have to do Chemo asap. Most scary part is the doc says that because chemo won't reach the brain, he has to do chemo on the brain fluid that is flows between the brain and the spine (Cerebrospinal fluid (CSF))

I am currently taking steroids to bring down the growth of the aggressive tumor. Luckily the steroids only cause me to have bigger appetite and slight gastric which there is medicine to cure it. Steroids could cause insomnia and energised which I think I still sleep as usual because I am given Anarex at night. As usual, cancer could be spread to other parts and there is a chance of relapse in future. So all I have to do is to live life to fullest every moment!

I just found out that I could not do a hospitalisation claim if my treatment is at John Hopkins because Prushield does not cover this private hospital. I will be referred to SGH National Cancer Center. Doc says that they have the best Lymphoma cancer experts there. Most probably will be transferred on Monday.

Today a few people came to visit:
-Wilson during lunch time - He ate subway here
-"old man" and Carmen
-My boss Alan, Jen and Ally
-姑姑, Uncle and 大姨妈
-Suemin, Callie
-Lorraine and Bf
-Leon
-Dear cousin - She stayed till 10 plus to accompany me. Last visitor of the day. And ate some of my butter cookies and kept complaining fat hahhaa!

I could see that Jen looked quite worried cos she has done tons of research, much more than me! Well, I am those that take things by my stride. No plans for the past 26 years before. And they bought an ultra big Winnie-the-pooh to accompany me in the hospital and to cheer me up. So nice to have such wonderful colleagues.

I have also ALOT of chicken essence, fish essence and all kinds of essence from my visitors. I think I have at least 100 glasses of it! WOw time to load up the essence in my body!

I feel I am very mobile now. I sit on the chair and table to eat and use laptop, go toilet and walk around in a walking stick, can go down in the wheelchair. I was thinking probably I am like Benjamin Buttons. I am old now: Use walking stick and wheelchair, walk super slow. But maybe I am super healthy at 70 years old! Can go mountain climbing and take care of my grandkids :)

My companion-nightmare to hubby cos he thinks our house has one BIG EEYORE is enough here comes another POOH! hahaha

My A1 ward. Seriously I feel so good here instead of B1 ward which has 5 patients and very very noisy at night and here does not restrict to number of visitors. I have too many coming hahahha

My beautiful back!