6th Nov 2011 (Sun): 9th day in Hospital (SGH)- Bye bye baby

Wow just had a change of dressing and the nurse changed into a waterproof one. I was quite suspicious about not having an additional plastic over it for bathing but she reassured me that this plaster over it is good enough. She cleaned the wound and help me with the dressing. To reassure me, she helped me take a picture of my back.

Waterproof dressing

Today is also the day I am transferred to the gynae ward in SGH to go through the termination of this pregnancy. I realised that emotional torture is far worst than physical torture. I have high tolerance level for physical pain. But when it comes to waiting for the time for termination to happen, emotions just overwhelmed me. 

A letter to my baby:

Baby, whether you are a boy or a girl, Daddy and Mummy love u nonetheless. U have been through so much with me. All the x-rays, CT scans, MRI, operation and you still survive. You are a fighter but Mummy has to let you go. Firstly, I do not know all those that I went through will affect your health, secondly, I will be going through a series of chemotherapy, I believe my body is not in the best condition to nurture you. Thirdly, I am not in the best of health to take care of a newborn. I should not deprive u of a good health and the best care you should have in this world.  

I hope you will forgive me and in one way or another, I hope to be your family member in a better condition. Sorry for being so selfish and anyway this world is full of sickness, sufferings and financial burden. This world is so practical, so selfish and so many disasters. Sometimes I find not coming to this world might be better than coming here to suffer as human beings. I hope you forgive me and I love you. Rest in peace.